I'm wide awake, it's morning

I've realized (it was mentioned a few dozen times by my family) that my depression has returned, it came back to hibernate with me for the winter. Strangely, unlike every time before, I am having trouble sleeping. Before I would prefer to sleep forever.  Now if I get woken up in the middle of the night, no matter if it is 2 or 4 AM, I cannot get back to sleep.

My brain's continuous stream of thoughts clicks on and instead of staying in our dark room, sighing heavily, I get up. The dog is always happy to see me. I start the coffee pot, turn the heat up and let my brain have its way. 

While sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sadness, it is mainly a feeling of anger and frustration that I feel. Throw in some splashes of hopelessness. Another new anomaly- I misplace words as I am about to say them. My brain stops & stutters and then inserts whatever it can find in place of the lost word.

Part of me wonders if I was living alone how much further in the pit would I be? Being in a committed relationship means you have a daily witness to your unravelling. Someone to give you a concerned and pointed look every now & again, and someone who won't just let you disappear. Also someone who expects you to still be a contributing member of the household. There's a selfish aspect to depression. When you feel like all hope is lost forever, doing the dishes and laundry seems impossible.

I quit seeing my counselor & psychiatrist last fall...I felt "better" and was having side effects from my medication.  When in reality that was probably the beginning of this one. Depression lies to you & tricks you into believing that, that new feeling of apathy means everything is okay. The reverse is that once you do start feeling better and getting healthy, you forget how terrible it really was, and you believe it won't ever come back. 

Her ancient eyes were upon me. They were familiar and black
She laid her claws all up on me. She had found me at last
Ah it woke me up early. I went and I drew me a bath
Ah, the beast was upon me, honey. I guess it wasn’t so bad