I'm wide awake, it's morning

I've realized (it was mentioned a few dozen times by my family) that my depression has returned, it came back to hibernate with me for the winter. Strangely, unlike every time before, I am having trouble sleeping. Before I would prefer to sleep forever.  Now if I get woken up in the middle of the night, no matter if it is 2 or 4 AM, I cannot get back to sleep.

My brain's continuous stream of thoughts clicks on and instead of staying in our dark room, sighing heavily, I get up. The dog is always happy to see me. I start the coffee pot, turn the heat up and let my brain have its way. 

While sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sadness, it is mainly a feeling of anger and frustration that I feel. Throw in some splashes of hopelessness. Another new anomaly- I misplace words as I am about to say them. My brain stops & stutters and then inserts whatever it can find in place of the lost word.

Part of me wonders if I was living alone how much further in the pit would I be? Being in a committed relationship means you have a daily witness to your unravelling. Someone to give you a concerned and pointed look every now & again, and someone who won't just let you disappear. Also someone who expects you to still be a contributing member of the household. There's a selfish aspect to depression. When you feel like all hope is lost forever, doing the dishes and laundry seems impossible.

I quit seeing my counselor & psychiatrist last fall...I felt "better" and was having side effects from my medication.  When in reality that was probably the beginning of this one. Depression lies to you & tricks you into believing that, that new feeling of apathy means everything is okay. The reverse is that once you do start feeling better and getting healthy, you forget how terrible it really was, and you believe it won't ever come back. 

Her ancient eyes were upon me. They were familiar and black
She laid her claws all up on me. She had found me at last
Ah it woke me up early. I went and I drew me a bath
Ah, the beast was upon me, honey. I guess it wasn’t so bad

That is the summit. Savor it.

But when it’s 10 p.m. and you crawl into bed like two old people and tell each other about the weird things that your kids said that day and laugh and tell stupid jokes and giggle and then maybe you feel like making out or maybe you just feel like playing a quick game of Candy Crush, all the while saying things like, “This game is stupid, it sucks” and “Your feet are freezing” and “My ass hurts,” that’s romantic. Because at some point, let’s be honest, death supplies the suspense. How long can this glorious thing last? your eyes sometimes seem to ask each other. You, for one, really hope this lasts a whole hell of a lot longer. You savor the repetitive, deliciously mundane rhythms of survival, and you want to keep surviving. You want to muddle through the messiness of life together as long as you possibly can. That is the summit. Savor it. That is the very definition of romance.

What Romance Means After Ten Years of Marriage

2. Freedom

2 years, 2 months and 2 days ago I began slowly paying off over $14,000 in debt. That number doesn't even seem real to me. It was real though, a combination of medical bills, credit cards & payday loans. And shame, lots & lots of shame.

Meeting Adam helped motivate me to look at  the debt unflinchingly, & acknowledge it without the shame. I started paying it off bit by bit. I knew I wanted it all paid off before we got married. Tonight we drove to Boulder to pay the last $82 to the library, & just like that I'm debt free.

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird." - Anne Lamott

1- Let's begin

A new to me blogger/Internet person, who also may be getting a show on HGTV, writes a short post every day. Nothing crazy, just a few lines about her day, about recognizing the struggles and also the things to be grateful for - sometimes those are the same.

Well, I like that idea a lot, & I'm going to try to do the same during my lunch at work while I stare out my window at the city of Denver and shovel in last night's leftovers.

Yesterday:
I woke up too late and it led to a frazzled morning. It has taken me 31 years to realize I need at least 30 minutes in the morning dedicated to staring blankly at nothing while drinking coffee.

My Dad used to do this too, I remember. I always felt like I was intruding on something special of his if, I woke up early, & interrupted his quiet ritual. His eyes would be half open, and his voice deeper than usual.

Last night Adam and I rallied for a short more walk than run around our neighborhood. It was fun to be gasping next to him as we ran (shuffled) down our quiet neighborhood streets.  For dinner we had an unexpectedly delicious sausage & bean stew.

I woke up early today and drank coffee while Charlie snored next to me on the couch.